In 1980 something I went to NYC when I was 13 and met Mark Hamil. It was exciting for me because when I was a very small lady nerd I had a Death Star sized crush on Luke Skywalker. I was there seeing him in an Off Broadway show and afterwards he came outside to sign some autographs. I said “Hello” and he said “Where are you from?” “Florida” I shyly offered in my best 13 year old fake confident voice. A voice, oddly, that’s never left me. He snort-laughed. “Florida?!” “Oh no! You’re way TOO PALE to be from Florida!”
I’m not the only one to admit my Luke crush, so shut up.
I was crushed the only thing he said was, “you’re too pale.” Luckily I didn’t have a crush on him anymore, I had moved on to Morrissey (who assuredly would love me back.*) I was now suffering a new kind of “crush.” The kind of crush that screams in your ear: “Bitch, you ain’t ALL that! Pfft….”
*Morrissey is one of many crushes I unknowingly had on gay men. The crescendo of which was my college boyfriend being seen repeatedly at gay bars. I’ve told you in previous posts I’m not that smart- try and keep up.
The above actually happened to me when I was 13. Him calling me pale is a fact. Since then I’ve been exacting my revenge. I think about this no less than once a month. No, I’m not crazy, why do you ask? OK, maybe just a little, but still. The teenage girl’s heart is as gentle as it is savage, everyone knows that. In sheer terms of grudges held, this is the order:
- Participants in the Debacle of The Middle East
- Teenage Girls
And in my defense….wow, this guy puts his foot in his mouth A LOT…
Which is hilarious, since he has such bad aim with his feet. He wasn’t anywhere NEAR that guy’s head!
One day, I’ve assured myself, I WILL run into him…I have no idea when…but oh yes…I’ll run into him. And I’ll take revenge on my first girlhood nerd crush laughing at my ghostly Nonfloridatastic (a new word I just made up, take it, do with it what you will) face. I mean dear god! Wasn’t he used to pale nerds having crushes on him? Damn it!
OK, sure, he’s probably a very nice person, I know nothing about him, but his time is coming…
Oh, yes Mark. Yes…
Where will I run into him you ask? Oh, I’m not sure. Maybe in the frozen foods section of my local Trader Joes. Why would he be in Gainesville, FL? Um, filming a Lifetime movie of the week about a man who hurt a north Florida woman on his gator farm, obviously. Duh. He’ll be in Trader Joes to buy 67 loaves of bread for his well-known carb addition (which I just made up), among other things, and we’ll lock eyes.
The following is an account of the fake time Luke Skywalker/Mark Hamil hit on me in the frozen food aisle of Trader Joes, which I’m pretty sure is still going to happen….so yeah:
MH: Psst, psst….haven’t see you in frozen foods before. Do you know who I am? Guess. C’mon, Guess!
Me: The ghost of Paul Lyndt?
MH: No silly! I’m Mark Hamil, that’s right….Luke Skywalker! Are you impressed little lady?
Me: <shudder> No. But did you know the top search result for your name is, “Is Mark Hamil still alive?*” That’s super impressive.
*this is true, I have no idea why
MH: Oh ha ha ha ha….you’re funny! Funny ladies who get to play with my light saber! Huba-huba….
Me: Well, then….I’m now as funny as Vladimir Putin. In that I’m no longer funny. Please make a note. Thanks for that. I never want to play with your light saber. Write that down.
Face he’ll make when I say I don’t want to play with his light saber…
MH: Sure you wanna play with it. It’s my light-saber, babe. SURE YOU DO….Where are you from?
Me: You already asked me that
MH: No…no I didn’t…
Me: You asked me that in the 80s and then said I was “too pale to be from Florida.”
MH: I don’t remember the 80s, babe. I spent a lot of time naked and afraid. Did you know that entire show was based on me?
Me: No, no I didn’t. Can you move to the side? You’re blocking the freezer door…..
MH: You’ll have to use the force. And by that, I mean the “force of love” babe…
Me: I will kick you in the twin death stars…
MH: HAHAHA! Oh my GOD, I love you! Come on, give me a kiss-
Me: You smell like the inside of an Ewok’s wool hat after he’s vomited ewok-Zima in it, put it back on, and worn it all summer.
MH: And that’s on a GOOD day! HAHAHAHA! I work out, like….a lot, babe.
Me: Ugh. Are you making light saber noises? Stop waving that cucumber around like you’re in a sword fight. What’s wrong with you?
MH: Luke…Luke, I am your father…remember that babe? Just think about that. I’m LUKE. You can tell your little friends you did it with Luke. Hear that little watermelon, I AM YOUR FATHER-
Me: You are not that watermelon’s father-
MH: Oh, but I am. I mean probably, it’s estimated in the 80s alone I knocked up 100 geeks a week dressed as Princess Leia. Hells yes I finally did it with my sister! Whut-whut. That’s what I’m going to call you: “Sister” Come here…
Me: NO! No, I am Emperor Palpatine, bitch.
MH: Ouch! I can’t believe you kicked me! OK, OK…..HEY! (scratches back of head confusedly) Um…maybe you’re not a Star Wars fan. Huh. Hey! Did you know I was also the voice of the Joker?
MH: Wanna come back to my place and watch everything I’ve ever done/voiced on my water bed and drink some Reunite? Just hours and hours and hours of me. Wonderful Me. Maybe after you see all of the genius work I did, you’ll come over to the dark side. It’s a “Hamilthon,” sweet tits.
Me: If I told you I have VD, would you move aside, let me buy my veggie burgers, and leave me alone?
MH: I don’t mind. I prefer it. I also have VD.
Me: I don’t have VD. I lied.
MH: Now our trust is broken and I can’t forgive you. You hurt me, Sister. JK. I totally forgive you! Did you know I can use the force to remove your bra?
Me: You just drooled. Can you you use the force to stop drooling?
MH: You look like a blonde Princess Leia…Oh, I know! Wanna play Jabba and Princess Leia? I’m Kidding! I would never ask you to do that!
Me: Well, that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said.
MH: Because I’m Luke Skywalker, sister! And YOU want to play with my light saber!
Me: DAMN IT! YOU ARE NOT LUKE SKYWALKER. YOU ARE A MIDDLE AGED MAN IN THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE OF TRADER JOES! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
MH: My God, you’re right. I’m…I’m so sorry. This is pathetic. I’ve been using this line for years and it’s brought me no real happiness. I’m just a simple guy. I like simple things. I just want to spend the afternoon making toast and watching Star Trek. I love that show, y’know, with Picard, obviously. I love toast. I could talk about toast for hours. Toast is so interesting to me. And yes, OK YES, I like Star Trek better than Star Wars! God, it feels good to finally admit that….
Me: You…you like toast and Star Trek too? I think toast gets a bad rap, but it’s actually a very versatile and interesting food. I feel so warm all of a sudden. My thighs are all weak….toast…and Picard has it all over Kirk, I mean c’mon, that fabulous bald head…and, and….Patrick Stewart?? I love Patrick Stewart! God, this is all so crazy, amiright? This is happening so fast-
MH: So, wanna come over and have toast and watch Star Trek!?
~long introspective pause~
Me: Nah….You’re Too pale.
And that’s how it happened. That’s how I turned down my first ever celeb crush in the Trader Joe’s frozen food aisle. I should however mention that Mark Hamil, who in actuality I know nothing about, seems like a nice guy:
How can you not love this tweet?
And hey, C’MON!….it’s not your fault I was pale, Mark Hamil. I was a goth kid, I would have joked with me too:
But seriously, lay off hitting on women as Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamil; it’s just not right. I can’t prove that you do this, I just think* it’s true….
I don’t think this.