1. Being Single on Valentine’s Day
Fact*: Martin Shkreli, the morally bankrupt garbage monster that raised the price of an immune disorder drug by 5,000% only did so after being turned down for a date 13 straight Valentine’s days. See? Poor douche bag Martin….Valentine’s day hurts everybody.
*Yes, I make up facts in my article, but so what? We’re living in an age where information is at our fingertips yet we still believe whatever memes our basement-dwelling cousin posts on Facebook. We’re simply too busy watching a video of a kitten rolling off a table to fact check. Wow! Look at kitty roll…
Truth: Being single on Valentine’s day often reminds you of being the last girl being asked to dance in middle school. It’s not my fault I ‘m 5 10’ in 7th grade, Billy. And anyway, you’re the shortest boy, so don’t act like such a big shot, asshole. We HAVE to dance together because no one else wants us, BILLY! And no matter how many times your mom says after the dance, “You’re so pretty, Beth, the boys just have to catch up to you” the only thought in your head is, “I’m a monster, no one will ever love me, and can we order a second pizza while we watch Punky Brewster mom?” Sadly, you should get used to being alone on Valentine’s day…chances are it will happen over and over and over and over. Sorry.
And what of those who are lucky in love and always seem to have Cupid’s arrow hitting them square in the heart? Those people are creeps and they can rot in hell.
Hey, I know what you’re thinking. I’m bitter. The fact that I’m bitter has nothing to do with it. Yes, I’m bitter and also Valentine’s day is a shit fest. Two unrelated facts. Move on, Skippy.
Verdict: Being alone on the 14th? Go fuck yourself, Valentine’s day
Got you relationship jerks a Valentine:
2. Being in a Relationship on Valentine’s Day
Oh the sheer bliss of new love, everything is so grand. You two love birds have it made, haven’t you? Just hanging out in the sunshine…
WRONG! No matter what you do, you’re screwed. If you spend a ton of money and exert all your effort to woo your lady, great, you just set a precedent for yourself that you will always fall short of in the years to come. Your dinner at that swank new restaraunt and the fine European chocolates 5 years down the road will be met with screaming and tears, “WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?? (throws chocolates) IS IT BECAUSE I’VE GAINED WEIGHT? (sobbing) WHY DIDN’T YOU SKY-WRITE MY NAME, BUY ME AN EXTINCT BIRD FROM THE RAIN FOREST, AND PUT A VILE OF BLOOD AROUND YOUR NECK LIKE ON OUR FIRST VALENTINE’S DAY? WHHYY?”
And if you do celebrate modestly that first year together, she’ll compare you to everyone else she knows. And trust me, every girl has that one friend whose boyfriend will overdo it and outshine you in every way. I mean…obviously, he’s gay, and she’s going to have her heart splattered all over hell one day, but that’s a different story about gay husbands for the a future article. Anyway, see what I mean? You can’t win. And while I have your ear, fellas- doesn’t it piss you off that you are the one who’s meant to do all the work? Fuck that. Amiright? I am not popular with my female friends right now. Meh, whatever.
Verdict: Go fuck yourself, relationship Valentine’s day
Got you sad fuckers a Valentine. I’m a giver:
3. Being Recently Dumped on Valentine’s Day
Fact*: Charles Manson was completely normal right before getting dumped on Valentine’s day. *Yes, I made this up too. How’s that kitten? Still rolling off a table? Yeah, that’s what I thought…
As I was saying, being dumped on or before Valentines can make you crazy, depressed, or even worse, consider voting for Donald Trump out of spite for your fellow man.
Fact*: All Donald Trump supporters do so because of a Valentine’s day trauma. *Cat videos really are the best, aren’t they? Meow
The fact is, being dumped on this day is no different than being dumped on any other day: awesome. What? Yes, I said it’s awesome. It’s fantastic to be able to do whatever you want to do- and for most of us, that time ends way too fast. You’re alone now. So what? Enjoy that shit while you can, asshole. I’m married and a mother- 90% of my day is picking up socks and yelling about toilet seats being left up. I have no sympathy for you, my sympathy left with my size 4 pre-marriage pants.
Verdict: Valentine’s day can go fuck itself, and double fuck itself since my heart is broken
Got you celibate lunatics some Valentines:
4. Being Celibate on Valentine’s: AKA The Hellscape of Being a Priest…or Like, Say, Morrissey Briefly in the 80s
First of all: What the fuck, dude? Hey, I grew up Catholic too, but you don’t see me locking up my genitals and getting wood for alter boys. OK, I do get wood for alter boys, but that’s just for them to beat the living shit out of a priest who comes too close. Look, I know Valentine’s day has got to be a nightmare for you, but my sympathy is thin. YOU chose to give up sex. YOU. I can not imagine. I love sex…sexy sex sex sex. It’s the best thing ever. And I say this with no irony- go have sex, like right now. Well, after you finish my article, I mean.
And let’s be honest, the priest taking a vow of celibacy is a construct of medieval morality and fear of wealth leaving the church. Sorry to burst your God bubble. It’s true, look it up. It’s not natural and lots of bad stuff continues to happen because religion stifles natural sexual urges. Look, even Morrissey finally had sex, with an Italian named Gelato (I am not making this up.)
Fact*: Ted Bundy was a perfectly delightful child until he brought the wrong, dorky kind of Valentines to school and all the other kids never played with him again. *You guys should totally see the kitten right now, oh my god, she’s hanging off the end of the table…SO CUTE
Verdict: Valentine’s day, go fuck yourself
Realistic Marriage Valentine:
5. Being Married on Valentine’s Day
First of all: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…ok, ok, lemme just regain my composure…oh my god, I needed a good laugh…sweet…
And if you have kids, remember how fun they’ll be to have on ALL your romantic outings.
I’m sorry to break it to you, but when you’ve been married any reasonable length of time, you couldn’t give a shit about Valentine’s day- if you’re doing it right, I mean. You have sex when you want to have sex, you don’t when you don’t. You go out when you feel like it, you stay home when you feel like it- which is like, a lot…I mean…A LOT. Is there anything better than watching a marathon of, “Better Call Saul” with your partner, ordering take out, and shutting out the bullshit that lay outside your front door? I think not. Don’t tell me when I need a special day to celebrate love- I’m married, I’ll celebrate whenever I damn well choose, or not- that’s my call. And fuck you, Hallmark, for ever making me feel otherwise.
Verdict: Married Valentine’s day, go fuck yourself
Yay, Divorce Valentine!
6. Being Divorced on Valentine’s Day
For many of you, you’ll be divorced many times. It’s because you’re awful and impossible to live with. I know….it’s sad. It’s OK, I’m awful too, but my husband is incredibly patient.
So, depending on the shit show of a marriage you were in, Valentine’s might be a incalculably happy day for you. Like 4th of July, but instead of freedom from England, it’s freedom from a total douche bag. And I hope that’s the case, if so: Mazel Tov! But if you still love them, yeah, you know the drill by now…
Verdict: Go fuck yourself, Divorced Valentine’s day….
7. Being Old as Fuck on Fucking, Fuckity-Fuck-Fuck Valentine’s Day
Isn’t it refreshing to know we’ll all be old as fuck one day, if we’re lucky? Living old enough to be in a retirement center with a bunch of other horny old people on boner pills? Fun fact and 100% true (no kitten rolling off a table involved here): According to the Center for Disease Control, among our senior citizen population sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are spreading like wildfire since 2007. Isn’t that great? It never ends! The nightmare of human intimacy never, ever, ends.
Or maybe you’ll be super old and living with your family and on Valentine’s day, and they’ll ask you to watch their gaggle of pudding-stained faced brats. Either way, being old on Valentine’s day is going to suck. It’s gonna suck hard, like waking up, not finding your dentures, and running out of your adult diapers level of suckitude. Anyway, it’s all good, you’ll soon be dead, so you have that to look forward to. Yep, sweet, sweet death…
Verdict: Old as Fuck Valentine’s day can go fuck itself, too
Got you old-ass sex pervs some Valentines:
Final Fact*: Jeffrey Dahmer “snapped” after he drew a Valentine for his teacher and she complained that dead bodies aren’t an “appropriate” subject for a Valentine. See? Valentine’s day was responsible for some of the biggest monsters of the last 50 years. Isn’t that interesting? You learned that from reading my article. You’re welcome.
*OMG! THE KITTEN FINALLY ROLLED OFF THE TABLE- IT WAS SO AWESOME. HA HA HA…I wonder what other cat videos I can find….
Anyway, Happy Valentine’s day everyone! JK, Valentine’s Day is a shit show.
I mean LOOK at this cat! Who has time to fact check when you have THIS at your at your fingertips?