Tasty Tuesday: A Fruity Fucking Frog For A Fruity Fucking Playdate

It’s Tuesday again. Time for the second edition of, “Tasty Tuesday.” Today I’m going to make a “Fruit Frog” suitable for play dates and any other occasion that calls for a large, edible frog made from various fruits…you know, like a commitment hearing.

To be clear, I hate the word, “play date.” Just go outside and play. Or stay inside and play, what’s all this, “date” part? It bites to be a parent today. Play date: the words that to us Gen X’ers mean, “go play outside till it’s dark, and don’t get in any strange cars, you moron.” Our little ones are so coddled, they barely know how to wipe their own ass* much less know the horrors of playing on a street or riding a bike (gasp) until sundown. But these little ones are full of piss and vinegar, make no mistake…and while they may be running on an all organic, vegan, locally-sourced diet, they never learned basic manners. Not once have I heard my friend’s crunchy kids ever say “thank you” or “please.” Give them a participation ribbon, and call it a day…

*Get a bidet, they’ll never have to. Problem solved

So, what do we feed these little know-it-all monsters that grace our homes on play dates? If your friends are anything like mine, even what to feed them holds some real challenges. It’s not like when I was a kid and an entire nation drank Kool-Aid and ate PB&J sandwiches. No…these children are special, well informed, and will stand next to you and watch you like a hawk. These pint-size Gwyneth Paltrows will make your life miserable and write about it later on their shitty blog called, “Goop.”

But I have a secret to happiness that’s truly been a godsend: I simply don’t care anymore. That’s right. Fuck your locally sourced, gluten free, fair trade, organic, peanut-free, dairy free, vegan, sugar free, free-range bullshit fest. I mean I care, but obviously not in the way these women do:

hippie momhippie

I simply can’t even. I can’t get into a competition with these women about who eats more green, more sustainably, more organically, and with more…gag….”ancient wisdom.” Because invariably as I am speaking with them, my eyes roll so far back in my head I see my own anus. But….like all modern parents, I put up a good smoke screen and nod my head in delight when my friends tell me they’ve been fasting for weeks and eat nothing but the berries of a near extinct plant from the rain forest floor and drink tea only from a village in the Himalayas picked by a young virgin that’s been blessed by a Hindu monk.

But I remain silent, because my inner voice wants to say: listen, bitch, you still gonna die….

Don’t get me wrong, I do eat healthy- but I don’t announce it and make everyone around me miserable while I do it. I’d like to, but I don’t hate people quite enough yet…give me like 2 more years. Then I too can bore everyone with talking about what I eat for hours at a party like some hippie, sanctimonious, fucking fucker-fuck face.

I also eat unhealthy too, everything in moderation. If it’s my kid’s birthday party he’s getting a cake, not hummus with some candles stuck in it (this actually happened, a dear friend of mine did this, I’m not making this up.)

Well…let’s make something all the snot-nosed little assholes will really enjoy.

Events (including play dates) to make a Fruit Frog for: 

Dinner Parties for the Blind

Funerals of Relatives You Didn’t Like

State Mental Hospitals

Play Dates

Telling Your Husband You’re Leaving Him

Summer BBQ

Key Parties (neighborhood sex parties)

Brunch Buffet for the Emotionally Unstable

Ironic Trump Rallies (watermelon painted orange [Trump head] filled with various nuts)

Shopping List:

1 Seedless watermelon
2 Limes, bottle of Vodka
1 Dark plum……a variety of fruits and veg for kids to play with, just dump out your veggie bin from the fridge and let the kids have at it too

Fruit salad ingredients:
Mixed melons, grapes and pineapple this time, go with what is in season and looks fresh…or not fresh, really who cares…

Tip: If you use a fruit that oxidizes (apples, pears, peaches, bananas) toss them with some vodka before adding to the salad so they maintain their fresh appearance. Also, vodka will help put the little ones out so you don’t have to answer their stupid questions like, “Is this organic? My mom won’t let me eat like anything that isn’t organic…and where is it from? I’m not allowed to eat anything from out of state because that means it’s not locally sourced.”

Tip: You are legally allowed to slap one child per play date

Kitchen Equipment:

Nice sharp knifes for all sorts of slicing, dicing and carving (depends on your fruit choice)
Metal spoon
Phone, to live tweet how sad you are
Melon baller (for obvious comedic purposes…’baller’)
Toothpicks or appetizer forks to poke yourself in the eye
Sock filled with rocks to beat yourself with because play dates are the worst
Platter to serve that bullshit
Large wooden spoon to ‘accidentally’ smack precocious brats with
Coffee cup filled with vodka, to drink without judgment

Instructions:

Start with your watermelon, find the bottom (which is most likely a little yellow, dented and dirty, it was a whore) and give it a slice (that nasty bitch will like it, trust me), just enough to give it a flat bottom to stand on. Take a sip of “coffee.”  Oh crap, not that kid…I didn’t know he was coming. Damn it….

Um, excuse me…your son just called me a ‘noob’ it’s not nice, I am not a ‘noob’ can you tell him to stop saying that….it’s a microaggression 

Tell him to stop, dear…

Well, OK, but it’s not nice to say I’m a noob. I’m not a noob….What’s a noob?

It just means you’re new at something….

Oh, I guess I am one then. Hey, is that watermelon organic? Do you have any meat in the house? I’m not supposed to be in houses that have meat…I don’t like your shirt, It’s stupid. I hate the color black. It’s a sad color. My mom said I should always say what I think and be honest…

Your mom is a noob.

What?

You heard me, fuck-face….

Fact: The worst part of parenting is other parents.

This coffee is delicious! Now rotate your melon around on the cutting board and find the best place for the mouth, you may want to make sure an imperfection is in the back, or you might want to make sure it gets cut out.Or you might want to drink some more vodka- because it all looks good. Whatever.

Take a moment to wander in your kid’s room and dump some veggies and fruits on the floor and tell them, “It’s a tactile learning opportunity. Make some fruit sculptures, kids” This way you can act like you did something nice for the little creeps. I mean fuck this, let them make some fruit sculptures. Am I right? What am I doing with my life? I’m making a fruit sculpture for a play date? I hate myself so much right now….mmmm…coffee, vodka, coffee, vodka…yum, yum, yum…

Here are some from my son’s last play date:

elephantonion lady

Aren’t they just darling?

Now take a nice big sharp knife and slice the melon vertically from about an inch forward from the former stem location, down to almost halfway down the melon. Drink some more coffee…oh look…my “coffee” is empty. Call your other cool mom friend and tell her to bring more coffee.  Then make a second cut from the front of the melon back to the first.

Pour you and your friend some vodka, right in the coffee cups, you don’t want that snotty girl from next door telling her hippie mother about your devil juice. Now snag your melon baller and get to scooping, make some nice pretty melon balls for your salad. Pretty, pretty melon balls. This is a good chance for you and your drunk friend to laugh at the word, “balls.” Make a lot of balls jokes- like way too many, and when the kids come in the kitchen politely tell them to GTFO. Back to the watermelon…then making sure you leave a layer of red for appearance clean up the rest with a metal spoon to leave a nice smooth cavity for your fruit salad. Throw some eyes on that bitch.

Stand back and admire the amazing watermelon frog you created for your child’s play date.

Just kidding. I made that last part up. My friend and I dropped it laughing at ball jokes and served Cheetos and Kool Aid. Promise not to tell little Raindrop?

broken watermelon

 

16 comments

  1. You have no idea how much I hate play “dates”. My kid is constantly having them and I despise every one of his friends. Snotty, inconsiderate, annoying brats every one of them. And they all only want to play at our house, and I can’t stand it. I love that I scare all of them when I get home. I want to take every single of the darts they shoot and don’t pick up and build them a car out of it and push them into a lake with them in it. So yeah, I love play dates.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Brilliant! Especially accusing that watermelon of being a dirty whore. We all know the truth about watermelons, they are cheap and easy and it’s about time someone called them out.

    Like

  3. I used to think children were the future. Then I thought only selected children were the future–the three-year old who drops an f-bomb at great grandma’s 101st birthday, for instance.

    Now I believe the future depends on mothers who drink vodka out of coffee cups and say “You are legally allowed to slap one child per play date”.

    You are the bulwark against helicopter parents and Gwyneth Paltrows. May you guide us to a bright future of peanut butter sandwiches and vacant lots.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s