When I see all the screaming, visceral anger, and kicking people out of Trump rallies, like so many of you, only one thought comes to my head: I bet those illiterate monsters are absolutely famished, and this is an opportunity to make some cash, yo. Screaming, “Build that wall!” and “USA USA USA!” can really burn the calories. Truly, it’s nuts you see so many obese people at Trump rallies. It looks like a great workout to physically attack people for simply having a different opinion than your own and give in to the lizard brain, become part of the herd mentality*, and take part with hundreds of your fellow fascists to pick on a single young woman, for example.
*Please look for my new workout on YouTube: Lizard Brain-Based Hate Jazzercise (fuck yeah, Jazzercise is making a comeback, homies)
Well, I don’t have to agree with them to make sure those absolute horrors of human beings get good square meals. Ones they’re accustomed to, ones that say ‘home’ or ‘trailer’ or something familiar to them like ‘KKK gathering.’ I spent several months researching what a person who screams, “White Power” or “Build That Wall” would eat and I think I’ve come up with quite an inspired white trash menu. I bought a food truck and called it “‘TRUMP RALLY MURICA MEALS.” I charge an exorbitant amount of money, and they pay it. Because they’re bat shit crazy. But mainly I just reheat off-brand Hot Pockets and call them “America Pockets” and sell them for 10 bucks. My food truck is dope, yo.
I wanted a menu that would feel like home to this voice, the voice of this revolting pig-woman in this horrifying video clip screaming, “BOO!” “SHAME ON YOU” and “GO TO MEXICO.” Hmmmm….What could produce such a beautiful, mellifluous voice? Besides the 2 pack a days of unfiltered Marlboro and years of Boone’s Farm, I’m guessing it was anything with marshmallows in it and cocktail-weenie inspired delights. Really, anything from a Paula Dean cookbook would probably produce that voice, to be fair….
I assume the woman in the video yelling was Ann Coulter. I can’t be sure, I’m in the middle of an investigation right now.
Here in the menu I designed for my food truck. Guy Fieri has already shown up and talked to me about franchise rights. Cha-ching.
Trump Rally ‘Murica Meals:
Mayonnaise and crushed tater chip sammiches
Our Dollar Menu costs 10 dollars, but order it all, cuz you mad stupid, yo
Hot dog and Velveeta Casserole covered in Cheeto dust
Cheese in a can on saltines
Ketchup sandwiches with a meth chaser
Fried Bologna on Chicken McNuggets
Slap some marshmallows on any nasty thing, boom, white trash casserole
Spam and Tater tot hash covered in Thousand Island dressing
Monster Energy drink with some cheap ass nasty rum
French fry and potted meat casserole, Sling Blade up in this bitch
Dorito ‘salad’ in bag with meth
Hot Pockets (off-brand)
Jello salad with cool whip and a cigarette butt
Chef Boy-ar-dee spaghettio Jello Pie
Anything from Arbys
Wonder bread and Olive loaf
Any Paula Dean recipe
Any vile energy drink mixed with Pabst
Potato chip casserole with dollar store tuna
All your old condiments packets in some hot water, you got mother fucking soup, dummy
Vienna sausages wrapped in American cheese
American cheese and mayonnaise sandwiches
Add a can of Campbell’s mushroom soup to anything, boom, yep…white trash
Hot dog meat sloppy joes, man…joe’s a sloppy ass fool
Saltines in thousand island dressing (fancy, for company)
Canned fruit with Cool Whip, old Easter candy and crack
Crack and Meth casserole
It’s important to keep your racism fed, with fine food from the list above. Although, I assume most Trump rally attendees pretty much stick to Meth and Taco Bell when they aren’t buying the yum-yums from my food truck. Like this old guy kicking out a young black woman…you need a lot of calories and meth to fuel that level of racism:
Fact: Hate burns half the calories of love. That’s why there’s so many obese people at Trump rallies.
OK OK OK…I promised you people a recipe every Tuesday, so here’s a big hit at the Trump rallies: “Spaghettio-Jello-Weiner Mold”
1 envelope unflavored gelatin from Walmart, only store real ‘Mericans shop at
1/4 cup cold water or human tears
1 can Spaghetti-Os taken from a food pantry for the hungry, fucking losers
1 can Vienna sausages preferably ripped out of the hands of the homeless
- spray cheese (American flavor, obviously)In saucepan, sprinkle unflavored gelatin over 1/4 cup cold water or human tears; let stand 1 minute.
- Think about all the money your going to make on these fucktards, call your liberal friends and laugh
- Over low heat, stir until gelatin is completely dissolved, about 5 minutes.
- Remove from heat; stir in Spaghetti-Os.
- Pour into 5 1/2cup ring mold or bowl; chill until firm, about 4 hours.
- To serve, unmold and if desired, fill with your favorite salad greens, or cut-up fresh vegetables.
- Accidentally sneeze on it, meh, who cares
- Arrange Vienna sausages around outside of ring to simulate candles; add spray cheese for “flames”
- HA HA HA, they look like oompa-loompa dicks
It’s all done. Please serve to someone you hate.
When you interact with people at Trump rallies it’s important to remember these tips when selling them food:
- Do not make direct eye contact, they anger easily and always carry guns
- Do point out that their “Make America Great Again” hat was made in China. Tell them that’s “ironic.” They won’t know what that means and will take it as a compliment.
- Do pull your hand back fast when handing them food. They are hungry for junk and will bite you.
- If you are bitten, that’s it. Game over. You’re one of them now.
- After you’re one of them you’ll start screaming “Build that wall!” (your brains are gone now, you may think China or Mexico will build a wall, you have no idea why, but you’ll keep screaming it)
- You’ll now want to bite other non-Trump supporters, it will be something you can’t control….
- Always wash your hands, cuz it’s the law or whatever
- Always ‘forget’ to give back their change after they but their food, they won’t notice because you have a Mexican working for you and while they’re waiting for the food they’ve become so enraged they can’t think straight
- The guy working for you is Greek, but they don’t know the difference
A final serious note: Remember, THIS is going on all over America right now. This is where we are in 2016. Our country has enough racist, homophobic, climate-change denying, ethnocentric, bible-thumping, evolution denying, fascist hate-filled Trump supporters to possibly elect this monster. So please, please, please: wake up and vote. Vote for Bernie (I hope) but other wise please do not vote for Trump. This is not a joke. It’s not funny, it’s absolutely heart-breaking to see so many come together in this palpable hatred.
If you can watch these video clips of young women, students, fellow Americans being treated this way and not feel like you’ve been punched in the gut, then you’ve lost your humanity. Period.