10. Have I started a fund to get my tits done? I think the one on the left is in a race to beat the one on the right to reach the floor first. Crowdfunding would be great for this.
9. Why does the song, “Biggest Part of Me” by Ambrosia sound so good to me now? I’ve listened to punk and alternative my whole life. Do I have a tumor in my head? I’ve listened to it for an hour today…that can’t be right. Is that right? No it is, because I started brushing my cat’s fur at 9 and at 10 when I decided to walk outside and stare at a bird it was 10:15 and I had pushed repeat since 9 until now, so yeah, one hour. I wonder if the tumor is benign…
8. Who am I kidding? I’ll never be a size 4. Pass the cake. And the pasta. And I’m too tired to walk, so don’t ask, OK?
7. I haven’t known where my keys are in 10 years. But I also haven’t wanted to go anywhere, so whatever.
6. Sure, I always vote. But what good will it do, really? The congress will fuck everything up no matter who’s elected. The best thing I can do is just vote and forget about it. I should just watch cat videos. That cat in the box is like me at a party. I love him. More and more and more cat videos…..either I watch cat videos or have an aneurysm thinking about politics.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty….
5. My favorite sexual position is sitting on the couch watching “House of Cards” with all my clothes on and eating ice cream. I don’t know what that’s called in the Kama Sutra, but it’s so hot.
4. Why doesn’t anyone say “slacks” and “blouse” anymore? They should. Smart words. Also I enjoy sensible shoes.
3. Any pain you have is now suspected to be cancer. I have a pain in my eye: It’s cancer, I know it. Ow, what is that pain in my side? Definitely liver cancer, I do drink a lot. I have a headache, it’s a brain tumor. Ouch, my toe hurts….obviously it’s toe cancer. I just farted. I have ass cancer. No question about it.
2. [calls friend] Oh my god- I had an absolutely crazy night! I stayed up until 10pm! Can you believe it? I’m so tired today, but honestly, I had to finish that scarf I was knitting. I’m so bad, Carol.
1. You hear two teens say, “Oh my god, the 80’s were so great, it was a really long time ago, I wish I were alive then, everything was so much cooler in the 80’s, but I’m so glad I’m not old yet, ha ha ha…” And you smile, don’t smack them because you’re older and have learned some self control….and finally think to yourself, “Oh youth…you ridiculous fool.”
You then remember all the great music you listened to in the 80’s, blast it, and realize you’re not old yet despite what our youth obsessed culture would have you believe and decide to continue to tear this world up…you still have so much to get done.
But you move ahead embracing the softer side of yourself too, the side that listens to sappy music unapologetically sometimes. The side that is able to forgive others because the folly of youth has taught you we’re all flawed, the side that loves animals so much you volunteer at shelters, and the side that continues to find more patience with yourself after years of relentless self-criticism.
Yes, you’re a little older now. But you’re not old. And if you’ve lived well, you can embrace all of yourself, even the parts that aren’t pretty. And when that familiar voice of self-hatred starts in, you tell it, “Hey, back off, pal…I’m in my slacks and sensible shoes, hanging out with my friends listening to my favorite 80’s music. Go pick on someone else today. I just saw two kids talking about how cool the 80’s probably were. Go for it, jerk.
And finally my favorite all time love song, “Slave to Love” by Bryan Ferry
“We’re too young to reason…..Too grown up to dream…”