Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, “Ugh, I look like shit. Is there any make up tutorial video out there for me to look less like a regular, idiot girl, and more like a drag queen in thick stage makeup who gives 10 dollar blowies behind the Circle K?” Well, sisters, you’re in luck! The internet is literally bursting at the seams with just those tutorials! I’ll share my favorite, and then you too can fix your shitty stupid idiot, ugly face like I did.
1.) You probably look something like this:
These pictures seriously make me want to throw up. So. Fucking. Gross.
Hhhwha..hhhhewah….I feel sick….I’m sorry, I’m trying not to puke looking at these uggos. Repulsive. Disgusting, is what these girls look like…and I should know, because I’m the third one. Oof.
The first step is simple: accept that you’re gross and need help with your stupid face. You must remember, you are ugly, and probably very fat. You must embrace this truth and venture to fix everything about yourself. Spend as much money as possible. Buy whatever fashion magazines you can and do whatever they say. We’ll just concentrate on makeup today, but I hope to god you’re wearing spanx and are starving yourself the way you should.
2.) Find the right video or mask to hide that nasty mess.
If you don’t want to dive into the world of makeup contouring to hide your roadkill of a mug, you could buy a mask. That is the only other option. A “Pretty Girl” mask is always a welcome edition to any wardrobe:
Truly, this is a completely viable option. Don’t rule it out. The important thing to remember is that you are hideous in your natural state.
Of the one million, eight hundred thousand, and twelve videos online for makeup contouring, this is my favorite. She really piles it on. This woman truly gets that MORE is the word dujour, darlings. And I am positively mesmerized within the first 10 seconds by her unparalleled hand modeling and lip puckering. I was blown away.
Can you believe THIS uggo is the same woman? It’s crazy. She’s as vile as the three woman at the top of this post! Wow! She is so ugly before the make up, I bought a plane ticket and am going to LA to punch her in the face.
She opens up the video with her hand on her chin. At first I thought it was to look glamorous, which she thoroughly is, but then I found out from an insider that the makeup she uses is so heavy she has a hard time holding up her head. That’s the dedication YOU need to find within yourself, you fucking train wreck. You can see her process is no joke, kittens. If you glance at the photos below, it’s impossible to tell she passed out 6 times before that take. What a professional:
3.) Step 3 is very important:
Before you follow the above makeup tutorial, you must apply for a contractor’s licence. Here’s a link to study for the test and get yours:
After you get your contractor’s licence, follow that make up guide to the letter. Home Depot will have most of what you need. You don’t need to spend 800 dollars on fancy makeup from Neiman Marcus. That’s for suckers, my lovelies. If you get a little spackle, some Benjamin Moore in various colors, and some concrete, you’re good to go, ho. Plus, the Home Depot junk will stay on your face for weeks. Bonus!
I can not stress this enough. BLEND BLEND BLEND BLEND! Remember in the 90s when your bitch friends would be like, “HAHAHA, Oh my god, your face is orange and your neck is WHITE..HAHAHA! Idiot.” With this new look you have the potential for that type of criticism for your whole face. Possible color combinations:
- orange nose/white cheeks
- white forehead/black ears
- brown nose/up bosses ass
- white chin/low self esteem
- pink cheeks/dating an online predator
- purple mouth area/possible meth addict
- red eyes/ancient demon possession
- bright orange hairline/being mistaken for Donald Trump
As you can see, if you don’t blend, shit can get real messy, real fast.
I left the house like this once. It was tragic. I’m still not allowed to pick up my son from school.
5.) Never, and I repeat ever allow yourself to be seen in daylight or up close.
The ideal situation for socializing would be via Skype at midnight, in very low lighting. Somewhere between movie theater lighting and whatever black matter is. If you are caught in daylight, try screaming “Fire!” to create a diversion and run like crazy to get away from anyone close to you. If that doesn’t work, punch them as hard as you can in the head so maybe they won’t remember seeing you.
One thing is for sure, with enough patience, enough spackle, enough self-loathing, enough low lighting and a whole lotta booze, the results can be absolutely gorgeous. If you take your time, you too can look as amazing as these ladies below: