I’m the Worst Kind of “Smart” Person

Generally, I feel pretty stupid, with moments of brilliance. I’m exactly like Robert De Niro in “Awakenings.” Most of my day is spent catatonic and drooling (metaphorically) but I have an occasional thought or idea that I think should be written down or tweeted. So I wipe the drool, type a few lines, and hit “send” much to the detriment of civilized society.

Here’s the thing. I feel like I have the right idea. I know I’ve read something to back up my argument, but I can’t quite bring up the information to back up my arguments when I need them. I suspect the information is buried somewhere beneath the lyrics of  Spice Girls songs and all the lines from, “The Big Lebowski.”

Friend: Beth, I need you to tell me in detail why you think not vaccinating my child is dangerous.

Me: Um…I’ll tell you what I want, what I really want, Let me tell you what I want, what I really really want, I really really want a rug that ties the room together, man…

Friend: That in no way helps me at all.

Me: I’m so sorry…

It’s so frustrating. I know I’ve read a hundred articles on why it’s important to vaccinate, I know that as I was reading all the studies I thought, “This makes perfect scientific sense” but a week later all I can mutter in my best Frakenstein-esque voice is:


I hate myself. Really, I do…

I was tested all through school. The evidence kept saying, “Beth is smart” and they put in the advanced classes accordingly.I still don’t believe it. All lies. And I did well for the most part. But as soon as I took a test, the information was gone. My brain dumped it the way the mafia weights down a body and exiles it to, “sleep with the fishes” for all eternity.

Parents: Beth, congratulations, you got an “A” in statistics! What did you learn?

Me: I don’t know…..Hey, mom! You should have seen “The Young Ones” on MTV I saw yesterday. You didn’t see it? OK. I remember every line. Rik thought a tampon was a mini telescope with a mousy in it!  HA HA HA!

And sadly, I haven’t changed. At all. It’s not to say I’m unaware. I am aware. I’m aware I read the article, made a decision on how I should vote, or what my opinion is, but please…please don’t ask me for details. Unless you want to hear bad song lyrics instead. That I can help you with…

Friend: Beth, I know you support Bernie Sanders. Can you tell me why you favor him over Hillary?

Me: Um, He is honest…I trust him..and, oh, OK, there are so many reasons. Look, I know this isn’t related, but did you see that video of that kitten riding in the car? So cute. Ugh! Know what song I have stuck in my head? “Fernando” by Abba. God it’s annoying.

“There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando….”

I guess what I’m saying is, if you need a partner in Karaoke, an awesome trivia partner, or someone to have a laugh with, I’m your girl. But explaining to you the deep corruption of our government, why you should vaccinate, or why fracking is bad? No, I’m sorry. But I can send you several excellent links. Really.

God….I really am the worst kind of smart person.



  1. Yes. So much yes. I can’t explain why because I can’t stop humming the Game of Thrones theme song and reciting the names of all the counties in my state over and over in my head, buy just know that you’re not the only one.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I never missed a party in college and would get stupid drunk because I’m that guy. When my name showed up on the Dean’s List every semester, I always had to answer questions like, “Is that you?” or “How are you on the Dean’s List?” Now I’m just a dumb police officer, but I got a law degree while working and raising kids so that I can at least pretend that I was semi-intelligent intermittently enough to do that. Like you though, I can’t put enough coherent words together consecutively to frame a convincing argument, no matter how great my point of view sounds inside my skull. Unless the argument is why we should go drink beer instead of doing something productive. I still rock that argu…OMG, a bouncing red ball!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is absolutely fucking brilliant from start to finish. Not that I could tell you why, now that I’m all the way down at the comments section and can’t see the words anymore, but it is the best thing I have read all week.

    *hits ‘Follow’*

    Liked by 1 person

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