Generally, I feel pretty stupid, with moments of brilliance. I’m exactly like Robert De Niro in “Awakenings.” Most of my day is spent catatonic and drooling (metaphorically) but I have an occasional thought or idea that I think should be written down or tweeted. So I wipe the drool, type a few lines, and hit “send” much to the detriment of civilized society.
Here’s the thing. I feel like I have the right idea. I know I’ve read something to back up my argument, but I can’t quite bring up the information to back up my arguments when I need them. I suspect the information is buried somewhere beneath the lyrics of Spice Girls songs and all the lines from, “The Big Lebowski.”
Friend: Beth, I need you to tell me in detail why you think not vaccinating my child is dangerous.
Me: Um…I’ll tell you what I want, what I really want, Let me tell you what I want, what I really really want, I really really want a rug that ties the room together, man…
Friend: That in no way helps me at all.
Me: I’m so sorry…
It’s so frustrating. I know I’ve read a hundred articles on why it’s important to vaccinate, I know that as I was reading all the studies I thought, “This makes perfect scientific sense” but a week later all I can mutter in my best Frakenstein-esque voice is:
I hate myself. Really, I do…
I was tested all through school. The evidence kept saying, “Beth is smart” and they put in the advanced classes accordingly.I still don’t believe it. All lies. And I did well for the most part. But as soon as I took a test, the information was gone. My brain dumped it the way the mafia weights down a body and exiles it to, “sleep with the fishes” for all eternity.
Parents: Beth, congratulations, you got an “A” in statistics! What did you learn?
Me: I don’t know…..Hey, mom! You should have seen “The Young Ones” on MTV I saw yesterday. You didn’t see it? OK. I remember every line. Rik thought a tampon was a mini telescope with a mousy in it! HA HA HA!
And sadly, I haven’t changed. At all. It’s not to say I’m unaware. I am aware. I’m aware I read the article, made a decision on how I should vote, or what my opinion is, but please…please don’t ask me for details. Unless you want to hear bad song lyrics instead. That I can help you with…
Friend: Beth, I know you support Bernie Sanders. Can you tell me why you favor him over Hillary?
Me: Um, He is honest…I trust him..and, oh, OK, there are so many reasons. Look, I know this isn’t related, but did you see that video of that kitten riding in the car? So cute. Ugh! Know what song I have stuck in my head? “Fernando” by Abba. God it’s annoying.
“There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando….”
I guess what I’m saying is, if you need a partner in Karaoke, an awesome trivia partner, or someone to have a laugh with, I’m your girl. But explaining to you the deep corruption of our government, why you should vaccinate, or why fracking is bad? No, I’m sorry. But I can send you several excellent links. Really.
God….I really am the worst kind of smart person.