image I See Your Clutter Blindness, And Raise You My Clutter Vision

I am an overly critical person. Luckily, it’s mainly directed at myself, which is why I still have friends. I think. Every morning, I wake up and look at my house like a particularly obnoxious home organizer. You know the type: wears her hair in a high ponytail and has on a tennis skirt wherever she goes. I turn into her every morning except my hair’s a mess and I’m wearing an old T shirt from 1998 with salsa stains.

And I hate it. Not the old T shirt part, the home organizer part. Gross.

My husband seems oblivious to pillows that are askew, the piece of mail on the kitchen counter and the, gasp, chair slightly out of line in the dining room.

I have a problem. I have clutter vision and I’m working hard to develop clutter blindness.Did you know some people are clutter blind? Go ahead, click that.

Lucky Bastards.

And there are some monsters out there trying to cure others of this “horrible” trait. I want someone to train me to HAVE clutter blindness. Where’s that book? Wow, must be so awful to walk through your house and be happy. To not notice a chair out of whack by two inches, for example. Poor jerks. Aww…I feel so bad for them. Thankfully one “expert” Gretchen Rubin who is one of the most influential writers on habits and happiness is here to tell us how to become an obsessive idiot, like me. I bet she makes her kids Bento boxes too and publicly shames people for grammar mistakes. But who am I to judge? I feel her pain. I hate Gretchen because I AM Gretchen. But unlike Gretchen, I’m not keen on spreading my compulsive behavior. No, I haven’t read her book. I’m sure it’s lovely and full of lots of great info on how to organize your messy, happy life.

DO NOT ASSIMILATE INTO THE COLLECTIVE. Yes, that was a Borg reference. So what.

Don’t believe that it’s better to have clutter blindness than clutter vision? You want to be neat and organized like I am? Well then, you asked for it…just look at this handy list I made of my daily neurosis to “help” the clutter blind. This is a short list, but I can send you the rest of it if you truly want to conquer your issues and get “healthy” like I am.insane3

Isn’t that great? Follow this list and you’ll be well on your way to a junk-free home, or possibly, be committed. But either way, you’ll be free from clutter. I’m no expert, but I’ve seen insane asylums on TV and movies and stuff. It’s just a guy in a straight jacket in an empty room. Doesn’t that sounds perfect? The ultimate minimalist, no doubt.

The important thing is no matter what, it’ll just be you in a room with nothing.

Sweet, sweet success…

 

12 comments

  1. I laughed out loud at “alphabetize the soup”.

    My husband is truly clutter-blind. Once he has set something down it’s like it no longer even exists to him. I can point at a handful of receipts and change he has JUST put on the kitchen table, say “do you need this stuff that’s on the table”, and he’ll be like “what stuff? Which table?” Uhh, the only table we HAVE, dude.

    Personally, I can see the clutter and I feel bad about it being there, but I also have ADHD and shiniest thing wins so I often set out to tidy up and find myself sitting on the bed flipping through high school yearbooks three hours later with no real recollection of how I got there, but with a trail of small piles of junk tracing my path through the apartment. It’s like those Family Circus comics where one of the kids’ paths is traced around the neighborhood with a dotted line. Or like a dysfunctional adult version of Hansel and Gretel, I guess…but with less witches.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’d like to be more relaxed. I used to be worse, better? Who can tell? For me, it was a manifestation of anxiety. I’ve let go a skosh. A wee skosh. These people I made, they’re better than some, but they could stand to gain a bit of neuroses. Particularly the youngest. Why the hell is she so well-adjusted and satisfied, anyway?

    Liked by 1 person

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