In your 40s you still feel fabulous. What you don’t know about are the myriad of life changes coming your way. I was shocked one morning, for example, when I woke up with X-ray vision. I wish my mother had told me about hers. I knew something was strange when she’d stand next to hot guys, staring at them for hours and all she would say is, “Huh, he should probably have that mole checked on the top of his right butt cheek.”
We do a great disservice to each other hiding in shame and not talking about the changes because we’re not in our 20s anymore. Differences are occurring that need to be addressed before they become problems. I’ve listed some of the most common health shifts women experience:
- You become part of an intergalactic collective of sentient beings that can control all lower life forms with your vagina. Be careful not to use this power wily nilly. Doing kegels are excellent to gain control of your new ability.
- Your muscle mass is down 6-7 pounds from 10 years ago, but it’s replaced by an inner Google device that immediately lets you know when celebrities get fat and instant knowledge of all diseases on Web MD.
- Unwanted facial hair grows, but it grows on a man’s back in Greece. This is excellent news. I always heard about unwanted facial hair, I just didn’t know it would grow a man named Spiros in Mykonos.
- You can now fly and have x-ray vision. You’ll have a strong desire to buy a cape. Don’t do it. Ladies over 40 that wear capes are called “lady noobs” and made fun of by ladies in their 50s.
- Your libido starts to slow down a bit, but it’s no problem. This gives you extra time to fly and examine hot guys with your new X-ray vision. Libido’s back!
- You can bake a cake in your vagina. This is so great. I love cake and now I have a constant bakery in my lady parts.
- Due to an excess in hormones, bears now attack you wherever you go and you are forced to live in exile unless you get hormone replacement therapy. But you can fly, so it’s still probably OK.
- Contrary to popular belief, men find you more attractive and this is yet another reason to stay home. If ordering pizza, find a female driver. Men will hit on you constantly and you’ll think to yourself, “Am I better looking now than I was in my 20s?” Don’t become a narcissistic douchebag. Keep that ego in check, home slice.
- Your metabolism slows down, but it’s OK. Flying burns 1,000 calories an hour. That’s why Superman is so fit.
- Your bone density drops by 1% a year since your 30s. It’s now replaced with an alien metal called, “Iradiold” only mined on Alpha Centauri. This is the primary reason Neil deGrasse Tyson is interested in you. He says it’s your sparkling wit and deep blue eyes. Bullshit. That mother fucker is after your Iradiold.
Damn, Neil deGrasse Tyson, why you gotta play a bitch?
There’s no reason to fear your 40s. You can still dress fun, be hip and be the same sad-sack you were in your 20s! Just remember, we’re all in this misery together. And if nothing else, at least you have a cake baking in your lady parts and can fly. The important thing is to sleep well, exercise, and eat right to avoid depression. But if you don’t do any of that, you can always control an alien race with your vagina to lift your spirits. But please try the eating right and exercise thing first, OK?