- The First Love
Like Gonzo, chances are your first love will be an idealized version of what you most admire in people. And you’ll love him….at first. As a performance artist and dreamer, Gonzo seems to have quite a bit to offer in terms of sheer passion for life. But several years down the line, Gonzo keeping you up at night planning his next ‘exhibition’ will become exhausting. Do you really want to be shaken awake at 3am with a performance artist yelling in your ear, “I’VE GOT IT! I’m going to eat a bicycle while I cook spaghetti naked in times square with a Mariachi band behind me” No, no you do not. Sadly, he’s just all wrong for you in the long term. You’ll miss his adorable, enormous nose, but be sensible- the Neti pot supplies alone for that schnoz will bankrupt you. Next…
2. The No-Nonsense Rebound From Your First Love
At first glance, he may seem like a great fit: serious, has all his ducks in a row, and already has a retirement plan at 22. But beware, Sam the Eagle is a drag. This is the guy that responds to tweets and Facebook posts with long essays explaining why jokes aren’t funny. Sure, he’s stable- but can you imagine raising a kid with this guy? “No, Billy, dragons aren’t real, but you know what is? The great might of the American military. God bless America, son.” No thanks, Sam- If I wanted to kill myself, I’d spend my days watching Fox News. Next….
3. The Wocka Wocka
Isn’t Fozzie fun? No, no he is not. You dated a stick in the mud, and Fozzie seems like a barrel of laughs in comparison. That is until you see his terrible coke habit and constant need for validation. “UGH, Fozzie, YES YOU’RE FUNNY, now let me sleep!” will be the “hilarious” catchphrase for your relationship with this guy. You didn’t think relationships have catchphrases? Well, they do now. Because YOU’RE dating a comedian. It’ll be a barrel of yuks- especially when he’s on the road 250 days a year and comes home with herpes from a hooker in Albuquerque. Next….
4. The Young Conservative
Terrible in bed and most likely secretly gay or a pedophile. Plus, he has a hand up his ass. But not in a normal Muppet way, like a really weird and scary way. Next…
5. The Bisexual Muppet
You think it’s easier to date someone of your own sex? You think that men “are just terrible and a woman would be so much cooler?” Wrong. Janice here will rip your heart out. She’s a cool bi-chick and has a gaggle of lovers and you were just one of many…that week…that night…THAT HOUR. She’s stoned most of the time and the next day she most likely won’t even remember you. It doesn’t matter if you date men or women, you discover- finding your soul mate is a nightmare no matter what. Next….
6. Donald Trump
I know what you’re thinking: Donald Trump isn’t actually a Muppet. Well then, you show me on his birth certificate where it says he’s NOT a Muppet, smart guy. When you first date Trump, you think “Huh, it’s kind of nice dating an alpha male…” but what you don’t know is you’re young and stupid and THIS is not a typical alpha male. HE is a sociopath and more often than not has no idea that you’re even dating. And if he marries you, good luck with that! This guy loves himself so much he’d rather date the daughter you two had together because she’s more like him than you are. Not to mention, his daughter is “totally classy and not a total looser, if she wasn’t my daughter, I’d date her- look at how hot she is…” Next….
7. The Philosophy Major
Finally, someone to discuss the deeper meaning of life with. Someone to ponder difficult questions with like, “Why are we here?” “What does it all mean?” “Why are you locked in the bathroom again crying?” “Will you please leave the house with me….sometimes?” “Why do you hate all my friends?” “You’ll kill yourself if I leave you?” “Do you need me to get a restraining order, or will you stop acting like a little bitch!?” Next…..
8. The Love of Your Life
This should end my piece, but sadly for so many, the love of your life might be someone that comes in your life, maybe only briefly, and you’re left in emotional ruins. They’ll be the perfect blend of funny, smart, sensitive, adorable, quirky, original- you’ll probably even like the same music and films. And he’ll be green, like Kermit, obviously. (what- you’re afraid of dating a green guy? That’s racist and a microaggression…little something for you Millennials.)
Maybe you spend your life together, and I hope that you do. But if you don’t, this person will haunt your dreams and take a long time to get over…
9. The Rock Star
You won’t even see this one coming. Sex, drugs and Rock and Roll is all this fella cares about. Animal is insane. And for a time, you go insane too. He’s great to spend an evening with and all the girls love him. And right now, he has eyes for you. But you’re sensible. You know the infatuation won’t last. And it doesn’t. You’ve tried things for this animal you thought you’d never do- threesomes, drugs, and most disturbingly- 12 packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon. But nothing you do is enough- he’s insatiable. You finally part your ways, watching him from afar, happy to be alone at the moment yet remembering him fondly. Next….
10. The Life Partner
[In event you don’t marry #8] It’s a fact: married people are fatter than singles. Cookies are delicious, and if you’re gonna tie the knot- do it with a person who you feel comfortable with. You two can sit, watch Netflix, eat cookies…NOM NOM NOM….and if you’re lucky you’ll take a walk once in a while to combat morbid obesity. And really- who doesn’t love Cookie Monster? He fluffy and lovable. Chose to be happy, and eat a cookie. And who knows, maybe it will all work out just right. Next….
11. The Second Spouse
Well, it’s sad….I know, but 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. So, chances are you’ll have a second spouse. So why not choose an imbecile that you have no idea what they’re saying? Doesn’t that sound great? No more fights.
Anything you ask will be answered with:
ME ME ME ME, BORK BORK BORK, ME ME ME, BORK BORK BORK
Think of it as a Rorschach inkblot, but conversationally. You just hear whatever you want to- marriage bliss. “Honey, do you agree with me?” “BORK BORK BORK” “Sweetheart, am I the most beautiful woman ever?” “ME ME ME” “Do you think I’m talented?” “ME ME ME” “Thank you, darling- but you ALWAYS say that….Silly!”
Perfection. Because if we humans are anything, we are needy, egotistical, and stubborn- but we can also be empathetic, compassionate, and above all: desperate for love. Or maybe, if you’re very, very lucky, you’re just fine on your own….