You waited too long to go to the doctor and now you’re faced with a conundrum: now that my yeast infection is sentient, is it morally wrong to kill it? What started out as a garden variety fungus candida is now commenting on your every move. And sister, this one is an opinionated little monster. From what you should eat to who you should vote for, this guy is like having the old, white, male members of congress in your pants.
One victim who I spoke with, Jennifer, from Long Island (no, not that Jennifer) commented on her new sentient pants friend, “I just wish it would shut up….I mean even sometimes! It’s particularly embarrassing while I’m out shopping. It’s like having a heckler…or…or my sexist grandfather in my pants:
“Don’t buy the chips. You’re already too fat. No man wants a fatty”
“Are you kidding? Yogurt? Are you TRYING to kill me? What the heck? Yogurt is communist food. Everyone knows that”
“It’s late. Let’s watch Fox news and then get some shut-eye”
“Buy antibiotics. Buy antibiotics. Buy antibiotics. Buy antibiotics”
“That Trump…he says what I’M thinking…”
(Jennifer continues) “It’s not OK. I mean, I respect all life and everything, but this is insane. I can’t hear myself think anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind…and he’s such a creep…”
Mary, from Bloomington, Indiana was the target of a right-to-life group that picketed her at CVS for buying Vagisil. The group is quoted as saying, “We believe now that Yeast is a sentient being, and killing it is murder. God wants Yeast to live and have voting rights. We also believe that if given the chance, Yeast will vote for Donald Trump. Mr. Trump has already shown clear signs that he is pro-fungus. God bless America.” Mary, who is a born again Christian and enthusiastic spoon collector, immediately threw out her Vagisil. She is now running a safe house/campaign HQ now called, “Sentient Yeast Infections For Trump.”
If you are one of the million of American women affected by a sentient yeast infection, there is only one known cure. You must tent your vagina and fumigate it with a mixture of Polo by Ralph Lauren (which can also kill the vagina completely, use sparingly) and Febreze. It’s also important to play any record by Arcade Fire. Gerald, a Sentient Yeast infection from Massapequa, New York told a local reporter, “I hate Arcade Fire. They’re derivative garbage. I’d rather die than listen to that hipster bullshit. It’s un-American.”
Sadly, Gerald didn’t know that Arcade Fire would hear this and hold the nation’s largest pro-choice event for women affected by unwanted pants friends and in effect wipe out most of his race on the liberal east coast. We spoke to Brooklyn, a 19 year old from Manhattan, and her friend, Manhattan, a 23 year old from Brooklyn. Brooklyn says that it’s her choice to end her Sentient Yeast: “It’s totally my body. If I wanted some idiot telling me what to do, what to think, or who to vote for I’d still be living at home with my conservative, CEO dad on the upper east side. No thanks. No fucking thanks.” Unfortunately Manhattan was not able to comment, having been invited backstage by the members of Arcade Fire for a post-concert beard-laden, hipster orgy.
There are however still droves of sentient yeast infections in the mid-west. Calling themselves “Real American Sentient Yeast for Trump,” it’s thought that this is the area of voters that will push Donald Trump over the edge and be the definitive factor in him winning the 2016 Presidential election.
And while I do support a woman’s right to choose to keep her pants friend, I think the best thing to do would be to put on the Arcade Fire, tent your crotch, and liberally apply the Polo/Febreze mixture. We just can’t have misogynist Sentient Yeast deciding the fate of our country.
Because that would be wrong…