One Mother Asks: I Only Let My Son Play With Wooden Toys, Why is He Such a Douche?

hippie mom

Melanie Trotsky from Beaverton, Oregon raised her son with wooden toys, no TV or video games, a vegan diet, and yet somehow her oldest son, Cole, still managed to become an enormous douchebag. She grips her cup of organic silver needle tea with both hands and looks thoughtfully out the window, “I just never thought Cole would go that way. We raised him in the Waldorf school, backpacked through Europe in the summers, and never let him near a mall. And his best friends, Falcon and Finn are exactly like him…”

Melanie continues, “The thing is, and I don’t know where he gets it from, but he has this elitist attitude about everything and won’t talk to people who aren’t exactly like him. We didn’t raise him that way. At all. We told him that although other people make poor decisions and let their children go to public schools, have screen time, and eat food that isn’t locally sourced and organic, we should feel sympathy, not ostracize them.”

Melanie holds an 8 quart jug of kombucha she brewed at home, pours some in a mason jar as she continues, “I spent his entire childhood telling other mothers why everything they were doing was bad, and why my way is better to help them out of their self-imposed ignorance. I’d even have Cole put down his wooden toys for a few minutes to explain to the adults he knew why he thought their lifestyle was an offense to his liberal sensibilities. He was so kind to try and help them. I just don’t know why he is so judgmental and mean to people who aren’t like us now. ”

I asked Cole to comment on what his mother said, but all he would say was that my clothes weren’t made from organic fiber, my iPhone wasn’t the latest model, and that he could tell I wasn’t a vegan, he then simply rolled his eyes and left the room….

Melanie is visibly upset. She picks up her worry beads she bought on her trip to Turkey last summer and adjusts her Sweaty Betty Om Yoga Pants, “You see what I mean? I noticed those things about you too, and it was hard for me to speak to you, but I pushed through it. I didn’t “judge” you…. I just don’t know why Cole is such an enormous douche.”

239 comments

    • sat·ire
      ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/
      noun
      the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
      synonyms: mockery, ridicule, derision, scorn, caricature; More
      a play, novel, film, or other work that uses satire.
      plural noun: satires
      “a stinging satire on American politics”
      synonyms: parody, burlesque, caricature, lampoon, skit; More
      a genre of literature characterized by the use of satire.

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  1. My mother is a smart woman. She said that we should never “judge” people if we have not walked in their shoes. I feel sad for this Mom if this is a true story. It would not be the first time this has happened. I used to teach a breastfeeding class and then attempted to become a La Leche League instructor. I ran as soon as someone nearly passed out when I used the word “bottle”!!

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  2. This is obviously satire people and it’s great! Hahahahaha!
    Yeah douches beget douches! Who’d a thunk it? Or maybe there is something in that kombucha.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Great read, and point. Most of us know some form of Melanie and/or Cole. My favorite is the double-edged irony of a piece about judgement, then having readers’ comments that suggest people who thought this was ‘real’ (vs. satire) are are dumb, by saying that is the “funniest” part. I’m certain this is the most genius social experiment I’ve seen, well done.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. What’s sad is how harshly everyone is judging those who thought the article is real, even though it’s easy to scroll down for content after this pops into a facebook or twitter feed. I’m not making excuses for those who don’t carefully read the title of the website once they get here, but you are essentially demeaning them based on their reading level or level of focus. Or ability to tell satire from reality. Is that any better? Not all people have been inundated with satire their entire lives. Not everyone has heard of the onion. That engenders the same douchbaggery you attempt to decry in your satire.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not sure what I said for you to call me a douche bag, but this entire site is satire. If you want to call me a douche bag the way I had a fictional character call another fictional character a douche bag, be my guest. I’ve been called worse. Godspeed.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sorry for getting your hackles up, but you avoid addressing my point completely. I should say, I enjoyed the article! I know plenty of people like that. Not calling anyone names, but wanted to hold up a mirror for a moment. The combination of article, comments, and comments on comments seem hypocritical.

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    • At the top of the page it says:

      Satire
      Twitter
      Drivel

      The people in question were perfectly able to read the words in the article, just not the ones at the top. Maybe they’re too refined to read fragments, or couldn’t relate the page titke to the body text.

      I’m not judging. The real irony is that IME on forums, most people only ever read the title and not the OP…

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  5. I live in southern Oregon and know so many people like this. You are a hilarious writer! I.m definitely you because I need this kind of comic relief in my life when so many people around me are so SERIOUS.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. brilliant, this is a fab read…hahahahaha..funny…but also…pretty acurate..:) I know/knew so so many families like this. love your writing style…when i was bringing up (I am from UK and yes we have the exact same type of vegan fascists, food nazis, here)! my girl, I often had to grit my teeth…against stuff like this…part of me feels smug that these kids are now..total douches…I was not the worlds best mum…for sure..but on balance i reckon i got enough right…and my girl is doing pretty well considering ..on the compassion and care front as well as self reliance…but actually I wish I had stood up to such stuff a bit…instead of just leaving the room and rolling my eyes!

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  7. Satire- External judgements- misunderstanding- mockery-internal judgements -name calling….and best of all I’m still smiling at the end of the comments.

    Thank you

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  8. Thank you for this!! I just turned 6-Oh yesterday – July 7, a birthday proudly shared with Ringo Starr 🙂 I’ve also been the Administrator of a Waldorf charter school for 11 years and this rings so true it’s scary!! I laughed even more reading it for the second time! Thank you and keep ’em comin’

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Stop calling him a douche.His name is Cole.Let Cole be Cole.We are all here to learn and grow.Our mistakes are how we grow.We all are humans,Not the same but different.his helps us lean from others right from wrong.The problem is labeling others as a whole.Take the labels away and learn the good in all of us.

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  10. Melanie neglected to mention if his wooden toys were made in ways that don’t damage the rain forest. Maybe his toys were all Brazilian mahogany, and that’s why he’s so insufferable.

    See I think Cole’s biggest problem is not his Mom, but that so many people in places of power (such as movie stars and politicians) act exactly the same. Like The Onion, your satire is at risk of becoming indistinguishable from real people and real news.

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  11. bourgeois alien you are my latest love. well, this story and everyone’s comments but i’ll transfer it all to you for the time being.
    looking forward to reading more and our wedding.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sheesh, since there is always truth hiding in satire, you ring true here. You really did make me laugh!!
    Truth be told I think it is hard to raise a child the best you know how and not feel a bit snobbish. However, having done so much of the above, I still managed to have kids that survived it and even rejected it and still thrived. Glad kids have a mind of their own. ~ Sigh~

    Liked by 1 person

    • it is- it’s everywhere. this is just one example, but i see it across the spectrum, religious to atheist, left to right, the piece is primarily about a breath-taking inability to have any self awareness, and that’s so much of the human condition…thanks for reading!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Absolutely, nobody’s innocent really. I’m certainly not, my blatant and almost aggressive self-centeredness and inability to see when I act like an ass are constantly causing me problems, and as I get older I can’t really use the whole “ignorant selfish young girl” thing, but I’m trying to improve lol. I wish I was into obscure hipster-y things and not eating meat but no such luck. :/

        Liked by 1 person

      • the fact that you recognize that you have “flaws” puts you light years ahead of some. and as for me? I am my worst critic…first thing I do in the morning is wake up and mentally list all the ways I suck (only half kidding)

        Liked by 1 person

      • do you people have nothing better to do? do you realize how insignificant this post and conversation is? wow, lol iv wasted all the time i need to here, i will now go away and try and block this from my mind. jeazzzzzeeee

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      • do realize how ironic it is you just wasted time telling people to stop wasting time on my insignificant writing and ripped a hole in the time space continuum. thank you for killing us all, kimberly daniels. the destruction of life as you know it is firmly on your shoulders

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  13. Why is he such a douche? Well…because apparently, none of those wooden toys were toy guns, airplanes, tanks, ships, soldiers, etc. He has been forced to live a childhood devoid of any testosterone. He is destined to grow up to be a registered Democrat, full of white guilt.

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  14. I’m a normal (?) older female who has a large screen tv, computer, I like to FB and shop at Wal-Mart and drives a gas guzzler . I also home school my 15 year old grandson mostly due to public school being so inept in educating him and keeping him safe because of his autism. Weekly we go to a Charter School for his counseling services and so he can take some social skill building workshops. I realize the post was sarcastic but I see mother’s just like that in the school congregating in their Hippy garb and with dreds down to their knees eating some disgusting looking algae-mold and forcing it down the throat of their screaming child. Of course they are in turn looking at me eating my paper wrapped Burger King Wopper Jr and fries, while wearing my “made in China” flip flops and “Hecho in Mexico” Is It Friday Yet? tee shirt. I do live rural so I know how to garden and grow and butcher and process and all the stuff they don’t know I know. But I do know there are definite lines drawn in the sand that declare “my way is better than your way”. Personally as long as they grow up and get out of the house I’m satisfied.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I really liked this post, because as a mom I feel judged all the time. Women tend to do that beat each other up over their choices and judge each other. The comments, however kind of ruined it for me some people don’t understand Satire, they have different opinions and they were harshly picked on for their comments. I eat mostly organic, I won’t support companies that have bad business practices, I tell my children why I feel that way and explain that everyone has a right to feel and act differently. Don’t kill people, don’t judge people and when you disagree do it with respect. Vent only to your best friends and don’t put things in public that you can’t defend without becoming becoming venomous. This was a very true post about how moms shame other moms it happens all the time.

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  16. I loved it! However, if you’ve ever taken a vegan friend to a steakhouse for lunch, or rode in an SUV with a Prius driver…;)
    Keep up the great work!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. so now we have people shaming people for shaming people who shamed an article which shames people for shaming other people

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  18. yeah, so agree, all the organic food I’ve forced into my kids over the years, the thousands of hours I forced them to go outside and play (while secretly watching their every move), the years I’ve sacrificed showing by example the most appropriate way to judge people who live wrongly, and guess what … they turned out normal! My greatest nightmare … the worst outcome I could possibly imagine … i thought I was raising the next Budda, but no, what I get is cosy, happy, suburban families content with mediocrity, and associating with all sorts of ridiculously average people ….. uuuurrgghhh! I have to douse myself in buckets of probiotic sanitiser after every visit just to rid me of the insidious contentedness. It’s just NOT RIGHT!!

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  19. I am old. I like Facebook. I waste a lot of time on it reading posts and comments.
    I like satire, reading it, but find it extremely uncomfortable being around people who use it constantly.
    I find people like this are extremely witty. But sometimes do you not know when to stop being that way.
    Please don’t judge those of us who are not quite quick enough to get it. ( but eventually do )

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    • what you’re failing to take into consideration is that people who do not understand satire went out of their way to comment, and quite rudely, on my site- I did not ask them to read my work. they chose to do so, and did it with very little clarity of thought…. so how about this? don’t leave serious, angry thoughts on satirical works and you won’t be judged…

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  20. I really think this mom needs to give herself a break. She tried her very hardest with Cole and sometimes kids just don’t turn out how we expect. It’s obvious that all the choices she made were what she thought in her heart he needed. I can see from the photo that she has a lot of love for her son and although they obviously lived an unconventional lifestyle, he got the best of his mom’s love, advice and support. He will find his way, and perhaps he will use the same technique when it is his time for raise children. And if you are still reading this drivel, yes I am joking. You can stop slapping yourself in the face now.

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  21. I think I was this mom! OMG so right on and very funny. I look back at that time of my life where I tried so hard to do the right things for my children and ask myself now why did I have to make everything so darn difficult???

    Liked by 1 person

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