Writer’s Note: This camp actually exists….I’m not kidding. Read more here: Prison Summer Camp
Have you ever asked yourself, “How can I send my kids to jail for the summer, but still make sure they have fun too!?”
That’s because I’m not insane, or Mussolini, or Forrest Gump’s even less mentally endowed, but twice as evil twin, “Thorns Gump.” But for you imaginative parents who’ve dreamed about sending your kids to jail for the summer, this one’s for you!
Sheriff Joe Arapio, of Phoenix, Arizona, also know as, “Stop eating all the doughnuts before we get any, fuck-face” around the office, is offering a fun way for parents to send their children to jail over the summer. And really, what kid doesn’t want to go to jail in summer?
“Summer Stars” is a camp designed to show middle and high school students what life behind bars is like. Just think of HBO’s “Oz.” What parent wouldn’t want their kid to experience that? Your kids will be locked up for days, eating gruel, having time in the old sweat box, and who knows, maybe they’ll even get some much needed individual attention from the prison warden or loose cannon guards on staff.* What Fun!
*It should be noted that any injury, abuse, mental scars, or stolen property, including but not limited to: iPhones, iPads, designer clothes, and personal boundaries that have been violated, that the prison and Sheriff Joe Arapio hold no legal responsibility.
And with the current adult American incarceration rate having such low recidivism…I mean, 60% is low right? That’s like what, a “D” in school? Let’s get these kids in the prison system now so they have a leg up on the others when they go back in. We’re doing them a favor, really.
“The campers will follow jail regulations, wear inmate clothing, work as an inmate laborer, eat jail food, sleep in jail tents/bunks, and attend education programs,” said Sheriff Arapio, wearing full woman’s lingerie under his austere police uniform. He then twirled his hair and said, “I just tell the kids to find the biggest, meanest guy here and give them a great big hug! Of course I play the role of the “mean guy.” Because hugs are my favorite. I love everything about hugs, how they smell, how they feel, how I think about them for days after…” He then noticed I was becoming visibly uncomfortable and disappeared in the back to find more information on enrollment for my son. I told him I was in no way interested, but he insisted I take the literature with me. Later, I used it to scrape dog shit off my shoe, so in the end, I truly was glad I took it.
When he reappeared, he handed me the pamphlets with a fifty dollar bill inside. He whispered in my ear, his stagnant breath reeking of orange sherbet and Arby’s, “Please don’t mention prison hugs in your article about my summer camp, people might think it’s creepy. But it’s not. Prison hugs are the bestest hugs in the whole wide world”….and then in his normal voice he continued after loudly clearing his throat….”They will also talk about peer-pressure, online safety, self-esteem, and anger management…”
He offered finally, “Kids will learn some valuable lessons, they will have some fun too. Fun that will take years and years of therapy to shake off. A fun that sticks to you and is exceedingly hard to wash off, like a thick, stale Cheeto film that covers your hands for years….but yes….it will still technically be fun.”
As I was leaving he asked if my son might be interested in his summer camp. I kicked him in the nuts, threw a handful of Cheetos in his face from his desk, and ran out like the Road Runner yelling, “Meep-meep!”
I think that sent a clear message.