1. A picture of you looking sad because your dad spent your entire childhood watching sports. Sure, it’d be a hilarious and ironic gift on your end, but let the past go already. You’re an adult now. Suck it up, Skippy. Tweet about your crappy childhood on Twitter while drunk like a god damned grown up, for chrissakes.
2. Handerpants- OK, they’re mildly amusing. It’s good for a one minute gag. But what happens after you leave and Dad’s all alone with his “Handerpants?” Two options: he’s sad because you don’t love him enough to buy anything but a cheap novelty item, or two, he’s drunk and slowly removing his Handerpants with your mom. Yuck.
3. A prepaid cemetery plot that the family all went in on together. It may seem like a nice idea that you’ll all spend eternity together in ‘Shady Oaks’ but what does this convey to the Patriarch? You’re thinking about him dying and even thought of a place to get the old man out of your hair. Terrible idea….
4. Nobody likes macaroni art. No one. Why would you do this to your dad? If you hate your dad, this is an excellent gift, otherwise no. Anything with dried macaroni, yarn, glitter and your tears is out…because let’s face it, you know after spending hours making a “craft” it all ended in tears….
5. Regifted crappy Mother’s Day presents. You may want to give your husband the stupid waffle maker he gave you for Mother’s Day, but you’d be wrong. The best revenge for a crappy Mother’s Day is to spend the weekend at a spa and let him take care of the little darlings on Father’s Day. That’ll teach him to buy you cookware on Mother’s Day. Have fun with the waffle iron, dear!
6. Anything that says, “World’s Greatest Dad” C’mon, he knows it’s a lie, you know it’s a lie. Cut the shit. Get this if you must get your dad a crappy mug:
7. A breast pump. Really? You couldn’t find a more subtle way to tell your father he has moobs? Get him a gym membership, jerk.
8. Anything that contains the words, “locally sourced” “organic” or “vegan.” He’ll accuse of hating your country and being Anti-American. It will end like Christmas 2011 when you didn’t speak for 8 months and you both swore off tequila forever.
9. The complete works of Morrissey on Vinyl. That’s for you, asshole, not him….
10. His Eulogy. Perhaps at the time it seemed nice to share with your father all the nice things you want to say about him, but again, you’re alluding to his death. Not cool. A better option would be an Applebee’s gift card. Sure, you hate Applebee’s but your father thinks it’s a hot spot. And frankly, a night at Applebee’s is the closet thing I can think of to actual death, so win-win….