Dick Petty was outraged on July 4th after reading a post on Facebook insulting the song, “Proud to Be An American” by Lee Greenwood. When he first saw the post, he couldn’t believe that any American would have anything but praise for such a beautiful, Christian, American, masterpiece. As Dick read through the Facebook thread, one woman went so far as ironically saying, “PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I’M FREE (shoots myself).”
Dick thought carefully about his own Facebook posts: quotes from the bible, Trump 2016, eagles, inspirational quotes about what it means to be a real man, memes about making America great again, and countless thoughts on being a true conservative. He looked over his posts from the past few weeks and was pleased with himself, knowing that he was a good Christian and he knew that Jesus was, of course, on his side.
Who was this vile woman? How dare anyone make fun of Lee Greenwood on the 4th of July?
The more he thought about someone making fun of Lee Greenwood, the more he became enraged. How could anyone not love that song? Such a clear, brilliant message…so patriotic. He got hard just thinking about the song. Often having to run out of the room to pleasure himself whenever it played. Dick put down his can of Old Milwaukee, stuck his head out of his trailer to to see if it was going to rain later for his barbecue, and put on his serious pants: the pants he wears when he trolls people online who don’t share the same opinions he does. Jesus would want him to wear his finest Sears slacks when he’s about to tell a woman to kill herself.
He waddled over to his stereo and put on his own, signed copy of, “Proud To Be An American” and opened his trailer windows for all to hear his favorite song. He reasoned that anyone who didn’t share his love of that song was evil and came to the only logical conclusion one might have on his country’s birthday: the woman who said that “Proud to Be An American” made her want to shoot herself needed to be told she should shoot herself.
And that’s just what Dick did….
Do you know Dick? Yes. Sadly, we all know Dick…