Many people don’t know this, but the Dutch are capable of time travel. That’s a fact, and don’t bother to look it up. You can’t find it on Google. OK…you can find it now because I just wrote that, or if you’re Dutch and time travel to the future to google it, or if someone else made that claim online before me. I never actually googled it because I’m lazy, so I don’t actually know, but I digress…
Here’s the important thing: the following is a chilling, true account from a European’s perspective of the impending Trump Presidency. Every word is true.
Roy, you have my website for the day.
News From The Future: The Trump Inauguration
By Roy Meijer
It’s been over two months since Donald Trump famously spiked a baby head-first into the ground. The crying infant, who has made a miraculous recovery, dared to interrupt his victory speech on that fabled November 8th when Trump left his voters in a state of ecstasy. Trump promised the screaming, adoring crowd lofty changes like mandatory registration for everyone whose ancestors weren’t born in the United States, celebrity cage-matches to determine new cabinet members, and a wall along the entire coastline of Puerto Rico.
It’s now January 20th, 2017 and there’s a rush of excitement in the air as the crowd gathers in front of the Capitol to watch the inauguration of their neon carrot-hued savior.
Not much has been seen of Trump since November, except the occasional tabloid pic of romantic date nights with his daughter, Ivanka, or more recently, a walk down the courthouse steps as he dodged yet another allegation of public assault. I asked a woman in the crowd her thoughts about the accusations and she immediately yelled “That just shows he knows how to beat the system” I continued listening to her as the streets filled up with the parade-like sounds of misplaced nationalism and repressed xenophobia. She continued, “When is the last time you saw Hillary hit a baby and get away with it? Exactly. She’s just too politically correct.”
Later that morning, I met a man in the crowd named Cyrus Hunter, a self-proclaimed “extreme patriot” who recently lost his job selling home security systems. Using the last of his savings, he invested in a Winnebago and drove to Washington DC with his wife to witness Trump’s inauguration- or as he calls it: “history in the making.” When I asked if that was the wisest decision, considering his recent unemployment, he excitedly points to better times ahead:
“I knew Trump was our guy the second I heard him speak on TV. He’s a millionaire, something I’ve always aspired to be, but also someone who spoke like the old-timers who used to sit in front of my local convenience store before it was taken over by that Indian family. And as soon as he mentioned a wall with Mexico, I was sold. Can you imagine the magnitude of that project? And without any Mexicans around, no way is that not going to land some work in my lap.”
Raising their hands, and swaying to Lee Greenwood Jr’s “Proud to be an American” blasting from their portable stereo, the Hunters seem perfectly content. “I still can’t believe he won!” Cyrus’s wife, Nadine squeals. Her hand wrapped firmly around a Bud Lime-A-Rita, complete with ‘make America great again’ beer koozie. “With everything going on: Black Lives Matter, the liberal media trying to confuse people with facts and statistics, and crooked Hillary trying to rig the elections- it’s great to see that there’s finally come an end to the marginalization of the average, white American voter.”
Nearby, a guy in a stained wife-beater tries to start a “No more Obama” chant, but the Hunters seem unmoved by his drunken enthusiasm. “We’re not here to be political. We came to celebrate Donald Trump. There’s been enough politics over the last eight years. Now is the time for something else. If we wanted to be political, we would have voted in the last two elections.” Cyrus lowers his UFC-hat to keep the sun from his eyes as Trump enters the Capitol steps. A momentous smile begins to form under Cyrus’ burgeoning gin blossom…
He’s already noticed a woman holding a crying baby in the front row.
You can find his funny on Twitter and follow him here: @thatdutchperson