Guest Spot by Marietta Rodgers
Members Only: When you put it on, Something happens…
Alright, but what exactly? We’ll get to the members, but non-members claim not having the jacket resulted in isolation, loss of friends, weight gain, and night terrors. And many say that to this day, they can still hear their classmates calling them Dickless, Dickweed, and Limpdick…
Wow, positively tragic. Dick-based insults truly hurt everyone.
So, when did it all start? Well, it was in the year 1980 that JP Apparel World first launched the Members Only jacket onto a fashion hellscape ruled by parachute pants, jellies, and cheap plastic accessories. In this neon-fueled party of dumpster-fashion, The Members Only jacket was the crème de la crème of tasteless street apparel. The racer jacket, which reached its height of popularity in 1984, was distinguished by its narrow epaulets, collar strap, and most importantly the label, Members Only stitched almost tauntingly above the right pocket. The label, In essence calling all nonmembers total dickless dicks.
Although fashion psychologists have not been able to completely agree on the effect of the Members Only line, they do all agree that it was one dope-ass jacket. Some fashion psychologists say that it was just a trivial fashion craze that had no effect on the human psyche, others feel it was purposefully insidious, and still others pointed out that we are all fat garbage in the eyes of fashion, jacket or no. In fashion, they can not stress this enough: you are fat.
One fashion psychologist, Dr. Alex P. Fox, dressed in a vintage, tan Members Only jacket, opens up a fruit roll up and explains between sticky, astronaut fruit mouthfuls: OK, let’s examine the jacket’s slogan for a minute: When you put it on, something happens. Well, besides warmth, something else did happen: a lifetime of judgment. And let’s be clear, there are no winners. The Members were mainly comprised of middle class white males, ages 10 to 24, who listened to Flock of Seagulls, became accountants, and prematurely ejaculated. Dr. Alex P. Fox stops for several minutes to dig out a piece of fruit roll up logged in a molar. He continues: In a survey conducted by The Barely Psychology Foundation, the middle aged white men who didn’t wear the jackets in their teens said they were socially devastated and often told by girls, “You’re grody, ew, gag me with a spoon.” I mean, how does a guy come back from something like that?
Statistics have shown over the years that non-members are 20% more likely to commit suicide than those who grew up members. The jacket represented homogeneity, privilege, and some super-fly white-lady tuna casseroles. Some even compared Members Only lack of diversity to privileged Ivy League clubs such as Harvard or Yale. Several outreach programs were set up during the years the jacket was most popular, to help those who had nowhere else to turn. One program, Members without Borders, helped teach non-members coping skills so they could reintegrate into white dude society- skills like calling each other fag, bro, and dick-wad all while giving each other surgical grade wedgies in gym locker rooms.
However, it should be mentioned that many severe cases developed antisocial personality disorders and substance abuse problems. One notable example is Ted Cruz, who sadly, was not only never a member, but so far beyond help and soup addicted, that he’ll never be able to rejoin normal society.
Years later, when JP Apparel finally discontinued its line of Members Only jackets, a public apology was issued by the CEO:
“JP Apparel apologizes for the pain our jackets have caused countless white, suburban males. Our company does not believe in labels, elitism, exclusivity or thwarting social mobility. These are outdated values. It is our sincere hope that people can continue to heal and breakdown social barriers and stigmas. We do however love the ironic embracing of our jackets by hipster douches.”
“Hipster douches. Wow. What fun.”
Sadly, many non-members are still suffering today. They claim their non-membership has affected romantic relationships, friendships, and that they lack the interpersonal skills to land competitive jobs. Even now when they see the jackets being worn ironically by hipsters, it causes them great pain. There may never be an agreement among fashion psychologists on whether or not the Members Only jacket has damaged the human ethos, but one thing is clear for non-members: there is still a lot of healing left to do when you were never a member of the Members Only club.
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