No Means No: How to Turn Yourself Down Gently, Yet Firmly For Masturbation Tonight, You Manipulative Jerk

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The rejection one feels from turning oneself down for masturbation can be devastating. How can you possibly know why you don’t want to have sex with yourself tonight? Do you think you’re unattractive? Are you bored of masturbating with the same person over and over again? Are you a terrible lover? Who knows. How can you possibly know what you’re thinking, after all.

Here’s the breakdown: it’s been a long day, you’re tired, but there it is…your hand. Ugh. It slowly caresses the inside of your thigh, maybe a few nipple twists, but you’re just not feeling it. You push your hand away, but you just don’t get the message.  You tell yourself no, but you won’t stop: You insist: ‘Not tonight.’ ‘Let’s try for tomorrow.’ ‘I just have so much going on right now.’ ‘Whoa, I just ate all of page 3 on the menu from the Chinese restaurant down the road.’ ‘Hey, look at that, Golden Girls in on!’

But again…you don’t get it. And perhaps you give in because you think you’ll just have a quickie and you and you will be happy and simply fall asleep afterwards. Let me be very clear: this is not OK. This sets up a precedent that if you aren’t up for sex with yourself, but you keep the pressure on, that eventually you’ll just give in to just to shut yourself up. You are, after all, a manipulative fuck sometimes. I mean, c’mon, let’s face facts- you can be a real asshole. Remember when you were 8 and wanted a kitten so badly you faked having panic attacks for an entire year until your mom gave in? Simply terrible. Make no mistake- you are a formidable opponent. But even so, even if you know you can be a jerk from time to time, it’s still important to let yourself down without hurting your feelings.

The key is to say no in a compliment sandwich. What if you think you’re too fat to find attractive since you put on 10 pounds last year? What if you think you turned yourself down because you made some insensitive comment at the party earlier about yourself? What if you think you’re turning yourself down because you’re not a great lover? These are are valid concerns. Side note: you are getting fat. I’m looking at you, me.

Tell yourself gently but firmly:

Wow, I loved the way you arranged the sock drawer, great job, me. You know…that sock organizing took a lot out of me, mind if we do it tomorrow? Oh, and PS you sexy beast, you looked great in that old T-shirt and over-sized sweatpants you wore to Trader Joes today! I think that cool, Guatemalan cashier thought you looked pretty great too, sister.

And if that doesn’t work, gently remind yourself that the last time you didn’t masturbate you were a real creep to you all day, and that type of emotional blackmail was a real turnoff. Full stop. Pouting is for babies and Kardashians, no one else. It’s gross. You have to respect that sometimes you’re just not in the mood and not to take it so personally. And by no means are you to suggest to yourself to have a quickie the next day in the office bathroom again. Everyone heard you and we had to switch jobs. Not cool.

And finally, remind yourself daily until you are no longer affected by emotional blackmail: You can never give in to the sexual pressure of a manipulative jerk- even if, tragically, that jerk is you….

Looking for some fun euphemisms for female masturbation when turning yourself down? Click here for a list by Huffington Post writer Alanna Vagianos.

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