Many people think they suffer from depression, but before you label yourself, take a minute to rule out some common culprits that are often confused with clinical depression around Halloween. Why spend thousands in therapy when the answer to banishing the blues maybe as simple as throwing out some haunted pants? That’s just good science and economics. Take a look at the following list and see if any of the following common paranormal problems may apply to you:
- Is it possible that an object in your house is haunted? More often that not, this is a key factor in millions of Americans bouts of depression. In fact, I’d say in sheer terms of solid, scientific research, Paranormal Witness is right up there with Carl Sagan’s Cosmos. Sure, those vintage pants are a steal, but what you don’t realize is you’re coming home with the morose spirit of Maryanne, the woman who killed herself in them, waiting for her husband Gerald who went out to buy a pack of smokes in 1971 and never returned….and whoa is she sad.
- Have you been lost in a Halloween corn maze for days and no one noticed and/or you haven’t eaten for several days? Both of these things can make you feel down. But still, this isn’t clinical depression, it’s just sad that you didn’t pack snacks/have any friends.
- Are you possessed by a demon? Don’t know? Walk into any church and see if your skin starts to melt/catch fire. If you are possessed by a demon, you’ll need an exorcism. If the exorcism doesn’t work, consider a Presidential bid. Running for President may not get rid of your demon, but at least in politics, you’re surrounded by other, evil, demon possessed jackholes. (FUN FACT: Trump’s entire campaign is the result of a failed exorcism)
- Let’s face it. Being booed all day would make anyone sad. If you have a ghost, try talking to him/her. Try this: “Hey buddy. I’m sorry you’re dead, that must be a real drag. A small request- I’m a little sensitive. If you could, instead of saying, ‘Boo‘ maybe say, ‘Hey, Great job, boo‘ or ‘It’s OK. You’re mom thinks your funny, boo” or if your ghost really feels like being nice, they could say, “Don’t worry. Eventually the sun will explode and kill us all, so it really doesn’t matter who is President, boo.”
- A new scientific research study suggests that ghosts are responsible for up to 75% of depression in Americans. Not only can furniture or clothing be haunted, but also your body parts. Are your breasts haunted by a Victorian era ghost and/or is your bra the wrong size? What most fitting specialists fail to factor in is all the dead people that live in your boobs, and that can add an entire cup size.
- Were you a Goth in high school? Does it make you sick to see the modern day Twilight version of a vampire? You’re not alone. If you grew up with Ann Rice’s books, and listened to Bela Lugosi by Bauhaus, the Twilight vampires look like huge, whiny douche bags. And let’s be clear: they are.
- Is your mirror haunted? Mine often reflects a woman that’s 15-20 pounds heavier than her actual weight. Or have you recently cleaned the dust off your mirror revealing an older you than 6 month ago, how did you age that fast? Spooky.
Look, I’m not telling you you’re not clinically depressed, I’m just saying before you get a prescription of Lexapro or Xanax, know your options. Whether it’s running for a political office, or throwing out Maryanne’s old pants, it’s important to arm yourself with facts. And if you do need an exorcism, I know a guy. He’s also a butcher and a owns a repair shop, so it’s like totally legit. Hit me up. Ask for Angelo.