Like the overwhelming majority of Smurfs, I voted for Hillary Clinton. I was drawn to her lifelong insistence that it takes a village to raise a smurf. I wasn’t bothered by her flip-flopping on paying Smurfs a living wage, or Medicare for all Smurfs, by her support of constant war, or private prisons, heck…I guess the only thing that bothers me is actual smurf: Bernie Sanders.
Some would argue that my article is beyond smurfed and complete smurfing garbage, considering that her opponent in the primaries, Bernie Sanders is a real Smurf. To which I defiantly say, “So what.” I’m also an actual Smurf and I’ll write what I want. I’m a mother-smurfing professor at Southwestern University. I have a corner office and drive a Toyota Corolla. You will respect my smurfing article.
Still others will argue that this is a desperate attempt to take even Bernie Sander’s Smurfish identity away, because Hillary’s campaign was caught repeatedly misrepresenting his supporter’s as sexist and racist. The only thing they could come back with to prove how ridiculous the smears sounded was ironically asking, “Well, what are you, anti-smurfmitic?’
Haha, no, YOU are. We’re Hillary supporters and WE decide who the victim is, just like when we smeared Obama supporters by calling them ‘Obama Boys’ in 2008. We’re experts at smear campaigns, you smurfing suckers.
Smurfie Sanders even had the audacity to say Clinton was “dependent upon big-Smurf interests.” Ridiculous. How dare Sanders, a man whose family was actually killed by Nazis ever go after a woman (((smurf)))? Hillary has never taken one smurfberry from Smurf Street. Not ever. MSNBC told me so, and they never lie. The millions upon millions upon millions of smurfberries in the Clinton Foundation, and from her talks to Smurf Street were all clearly from small donors. Why are you all so smurfing stupid?
These accusations were horrifying to us lady-smurf Clinton supporters, but we assumed after Clinton’s devastating loss and zen like-not blaming anyone but herself-definitely not Russians-or Bernie-complete and total grace in defeat, the crucify Hillary game would end.
But no. The assaults on our savior, Queen Hillary were no laughing matter. So what if she controlled the DNC and caused millions to lose faith in the democratic process? The continued attacks remind me of another persona who has often served as the perfect smurfgoat for whatever ails the nation. I am speaking of course of the figure of the Smurf. And let’s not forget, Hillary is Smurf Jesus.
Thank God we have sane voices online to push back, like @MadamClinton!
Some may say I’m talking out of my smurfhole and a smurfing insane Hillary cultist, but to them I say, ‘You’re clearly a racist, a sexist and now, after my stellar [and future Pulitzer Prize winning] article, you’re anti-smurfmitic too, you Bernibro busted ass bitches.’
Just last week, actual escaped mental patient and certified Russian bot, Senator Elizabeth Warren said the Democratic primary was rigged after Donna Brazile’s hot pile of smurf of a book. We’re so fortunate that the Clinton camp immediately set it straight with some hard truth: Donna is smurf-shit crazy and now under Russian influence. See, as Hillary supporters we can attack people of color, but others can’t. Those are the smurfing rules.
The one silver lining of 2017 that’s so great is anytime you don’t like something someone says you just say, ‘Russia.’ I love it!
Of course, some scumbag, lower-than-dirt smurfing Bernie supporters still entertain the fantasy that Bernie would have won. They’re so stupid, don’t they know how may people voted in the Dem Primary? Like 14%, which is a clear indicator of the Presidential race, you idiots. And sure, New York purged over 200,000 people from the voter rolls in favor of Clinton, and Clinton had total control of the DNC, but so what. There was no rigging and everything was totally cool. Wake up, sheeple.
Clearly, I could go on all day, but if there’s one take away it’s this: Hillary is the most persecuted Smurf of all time, including during Egyptian enslaving the Hebrews, the Holocaust, and modern ant-smurfitism. Deal with it, idiots.